Sometimes I get so dang pissed about it all that I wanna yell and scream! I just twist my hands up on my head and say, “Patches!” Usually it makes me feel a little less cranky. Some of the things that make me mad are: dropping my skittles, hangdog looks from folks, bumbling clerks, and RYAN SLATTERY!!!!
Ryan Slattery stuck his finger in my ear when it was wet with spit! He also called me “JuneBug” in front of the whole crowd at the rink when we were skating! I’d hate his guts if I didn’t love him so much. The first time I saw him he was making eyes at Kevin Reynolds. I was waiting on them at Chili’s (and NO, I don’t mean passing the time until they showed up, I worked there!!) and they kept telling me they needed more ice just to keep me moving. I worked my ass off that day! Anyway, when they left I watched Ryan get into his Bronco and I said, “Someday that kid is gonna want ME.” My boss Sherry goes, “What did you say?” I replied, “Keep movin’, Trenchmouse,” and she fired me on the spot (we’re still friends though!). Long story short I find out from the “grapevine” that Kevin Reynolds is Ryan’s cousin and that’s when I knew I was golden. By golden I mean “so fine.” The time was right to make it happen for me and Ryan Slattery. It all went down at the rink where we like to skate to this day. Happy Wheels is kind of a rough joint. It’s owned by Graham Chase, the leader of The Whites. They’re a motorcycle gang, and when they want to skate they take over Happy Wheels and boy does it get crowded! Sometimes it’s fun like when they have the tickling contests, but other times I’m intimidated by their finesse. Anyway, it was a night like this when I planned to corner Ryan and give him the whatfor on it all, you know, my feelings and whatnot. Needless to say, I wasn’t having a very good evening. I was getting angry!! First this gosh-awful bumbling clerk gave me the wrong pair of skates that were so ugly and tan and suede that no one was gonna give me the time of day, then some beastly chambermaid sidles up to me during the Sadie Hawkins skate and breathes her foul Dipsy-Doodle breath all over me asking me to skate (Dipsy-Doodles are a corn chip made by Wise, yuchh!) and when I said, “no thank you,” I had to suffer the most grotesque of hangdog looks from milady forcing me to tug too hard on my bag of Skittles exploding the package and sending the colored candies plummeting to the rink floor where they tripped up several strapping young lads of the large-beard variety. As thanks for this tiny rink faux pas the boys treated me to a favorite activity of theirs, “boob hatching.” It’s where they rip off your shirt and spit on your chest. So now I’m shirtless and covered with spit, wearing ugly skates, and minus a bunch of delicious candies, and who should walk up? RYAN! He gives me the once over, swipes some spit from my chest with his finger and sticks it in my ear! Then he looks at the large group of motorcycle men surrounding me, points at me with his slimy digit and yells, “Hey JuneBug!!” I was so gosh darn angry I put my hands right up to my head without even thinking about it and began to twist and turn them and yell, “Patches!!” at the top of my lungs. Well wouldn’t you know it Big John Ross had a camera, and now that moment is preserved forever. Yippee. All in all the evening wasn’t a total loss. After I finished crying, Graham Chase lent me a Happy Wheels T-shirt to wear, and later Ryan, the man himself, bought me a corndog and told me I was a good sport. He even said that maybe sometime we could go skeet shooting with his stepfather, Richard. I sure hope so. Maybe he’s not such a rascal after all. I sure hope not. I HATE GETTING ANGRY ABOUT STUFF!!