The “Pre-First Dance Dance” between the catering boss and the drummer of the Klezmer band in the porta-john out back.

The dunking of the groom into a vat of MET-Rx meal replacement to assure a “potent consummation.”

Sitting on the toilet all night with a case of the “Electric Slides” after a communal gnawing of the hambone.

The running of the “When’s YOUR Special Day Going To Be?” gauntlet by you and your embarrassed date.

The milking of the “monogamy goat.”

The interruption of the reception by the “Father of the Bride Flute Solo.”

Having to wear the neon green cummerbund with the words “SPRING BREAK WEDDING” printed across it.

The donning of the awkward, weighty “consummation cape.”

The “Goof’em Up Pot Shots” the wedding photographer takes without your knowledge using his “Loo Cam.”

The cutting of the Kate (<Bride’s emo niece)

The year-long-growing of the bushy “I DO” beard, by the bride.

The wedding party’s joyful hoisting of the bride’s grandfather above their head for a sprightly jig. Motorized wheelchair and all.

The threatening of the DJ with immediate termination if he doesn’t stop loudly singing the Bee Gees “I Started A Joke.”

The passing and the sniffing of the 100-year-old “Honeymoon Wig.”

The Grandma versus Grandma Greco-Roman wrestling.